all i know now

i know now love doesn’t come ready. it is built, little by little; i know now that I don’t wanna be lonely anymore but also can’t stand the idea of sleeping with someone everyday; i know now how it feels to connect bodies before souls; i know now the meaning of insomnia - and how bad it feels to be waken up by your thoughts; i know now what it is like to be liked less than you like; i know now how scary it is to be surrounded by people and yet feel so desperately lonely; i know now that anxiety is my biggest enemy and that what once would keep me unquiet and active can also make me feel incapable and down; i know now i can laugh and have fun and feel sad at the same time; i know now people you love can leave you and it might hurt but you will get through it; and i know now there are ways to fill holes but eventually they will go back to being holes again; i know now i like to enjoy the feeling of first times - and the more you live the fewer they are, and that is good; i know now i overthink too much; i know now the power of words and how they can mean something to me and a completely different one for someone else; i know now the uncertainty of not having the life ahead of me planned and it is scary; i know now i used to hide myself in my fantasies to keep me from suffering; and i know now living hurts and kills me a little everyday. but i also know now it feels much closer to what i wish i’d known back then.